january 2nd, 2022. 6:01am
its the new year (guess im a day late). ive been kind of detached for the last few weeks. i mean.. i think ive been detached for a while now but i hate being... "reattached" because it makes me spiral. i dont know... i mean, i guess... what i mean is i hate being self aware. being too self aware makes me suicidal. and... i dont know why and i dont know how to work on myself if thats how i feel. i hate realizing things about myself and comparing myself to who i want to be. my ideal self...i would LOVE to be my ideal self! but, thats difficult. its going to take lots of money, ive realized. and also putting in work to just better myself entirely when really im just trying to get through life right now. im also just trying to be ok and alright with the fact that im simply just a teen. i cant do these things yet, especially in a home like mine. i feel very restricted, and i think thats one of the reasons i dont like being too self aware. i cant change. i mean. i can. but its difficult. once im 18, even if im not moved out yet, it will just all be... better. i guess im not sure it will be, but i feel like it will. but for now i kind of have to be in this weird place.
i wont lie, i miss having a job. gave me an excuse to get out of the house. but im kind of behind in school work, so i dont think applying for a new one would be the best choice right now. my mom wants me to apply though. i cant not apply, she wants me to after my break ends (which is literally today). i think itll be... ok. i guess. i miss having money... haha.
im still undsure about how i feel about my weird self aware problem. ugh... im so conflicted, because honestly, the root of all my... problems? theyre not problems, but just. the root of my issues i guess is remy. not saying its HIS fault, it literally isnt, its just me being an obsessive freak about her. i cant get over my obsession... i wish i was just NORMAL (cue scene from babadook of that mom screaming at her kid. i am the mother and i am also the son). its so tiring. i want a normal relationship, and it is normal! i would say so at least, i bet remy would as well. but like... its not normal. IM not normal (doesnt take my normal pills). the way i act and feel and think about remy is not ok, and... i know this? but i dont know how to change it, or stop it, or anything. i dont know how to change. i dont want to lose remy, i dont want to stop being his friend. but would that resolve anything? resolve my really weird one sided emotions? its not that i want to date (lol) not that at all. i dont want a romantic relationship with remy, hes my bestest friend and thats really it. i dont want something like that. but... (im using lots of dot dot dots arent i) i just dont know. im not sure what to do with these emotions and weird feelings. like, its not remys fault, not anything to do with her at all. its all me, just me and my weird fucked up feelings with my self and my relationships. ive never felt this way about anyone besides remy. like, never. ive never encountered such a situation. ugh. i hate it. i love remy so much, i love everything about him. i wish i was like him... this is where my self awareness becomes an issue. i want to... be like her! i want to be that smart, that involved in my interests, its such a weird feeling. i want to read that much, i want to understand those big words, i want to just be everything she is. but im not... i was looking at his tiktok likes, and it just. DAWNS on me how we really are just so different. does he just put up with me? like, if we're so different, it feels like he may just tolerate me. im not really taking this to heart honestly, ive gotten better at that. whenever i have an irrational thought about remy, like assuming how he feels, i quickly get over it. but they still occur and cause distress anyway. but i will never truly know how he feels unless i bring these things up. ive been doing that to myself a lot. masking everything in mystery, assuming ill never know anything unless i pry. its like... trying not to spoil something. your friend asks if something happens in a movie, and you say something like "you'll have to see!" but it almost definitely sounds like youre alluding to that thing happening in the movie, but your friend REALLY wont actually know if you dont tell them. they wont! it couldve not happened, and you still saying that theyll have to see still has the same affect. thats what ive been viewing life as as of recent. i dont know anything. i cant even tell what people are thinking anymore. i mean... i havent been able to before but im making it harder for myself. but i hate assuming! i dont want to ASSUME my friends hate me (even though i still think this often... so i guess its still futile) i dont want to ASSUME that my friend has an issue with me, but then... how do you figure out the problem? where do you go from there? if you cant sense anything, then your friend will just be bottling it up and things happen beneath the scenes that i cant sense. if for instance my friend has a problem with me, and i cant sense it at all, how does that get resolved if said friend is extremely non confrontational? it just goes unsaid until they explode? how do i know remy doesnt feel that way? i would assume remy knows that she could talk to me about anything, especially concerning me if it made her upset, but really, i wouldnt know! and... i dont know. i dont know anything about my friends honestly. its so hard to try and guess what my friends are thinking, yet i just act like they can read my thoughts too. i dont know how to fix this. i dont know how to bring things up because i want things to be all fine and normal, i want things to be ok and keep going as they are, ASSUMING things are fine. just surviving. but then how do i resolve things by myself? i cant. thats why i have to talk about it. but... its been months. how do i bring this up???? send him this whole webpage???? i keep running it over in my head on if i should do that, and i never do it. but how else do i suagrcoat how i feel? this site is my most genuine feelings. its literally a journal for me. writing in a physical journal doesnt have the same affect, i can get more down with typing than with writing with my hands. i dont knowwwwww... its all so confusing.
in other news, i brought up to my therapist how i wanted to switch, which felt good. i hope my next therapist is good... i really need to talk about this and see what to do. WITHOUT losing the person most dear to me.
6:32am
december 18th, 2021. 9:27pm
i'm still thinking about mikhail. i really wish things were different, genuinely. i wish i wasnt so hateful and that we could've maybe been friends. we really do have a lot in common, but i still can't get over how putrid his past behavior was... with him stalking me and remys accounts, with him saying all those vile things about remy to her own girlfriend... i dont know, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. but i guess thats the reason we arent really friends right? we dont like each other. hes a very strange and odd person, i dont understand him. hes incredibly uncaring, and egocentric. he only thinks about himself... hes so incredibly insecure about himself and his relationships that hes terrified of remy even talking to me, despite me and remy being friends for 3+ years (raised eyebrow emoji) like im not sure if you know but remy wont drop me for someone like you. so you have to suck it up and deal with me, youre 20 years old anyway. stop being so insecure in your realtionships. you havent even been friends with remy for a full year, and yet you act like you know him sooo incredibly well. it pisses me off. i just have a feeling that he thinks hes better than me in every way. i cant prove that, and thinking this way is counter productive anyway. i do wish i wasnt so hateful and unforgiving, i couldve avoided so many things. but still, going back to the start, hes just so... vile. abhorrent.
i dont understand how hes like... ugh, i know i sound like a bitch too, and thats what a journal is for! sounding like a cunt about people you dont like for petty reasons. but hes just. i dont get how people can be friends with him, they must be tolerant of all his horrible behavior and weird clingy issues. hes such an insecure person... and also just someone i wouldnt understand even if we were friends honestly. i dont get how he can say such vile things and then be like ok so you wanna be friends. like, hes said such abhorrent things about remy, ive seen the things hes said... it breaks my heart. i mean, i know i dont know remy like sky does. sky and remy know each other in a very different way, and sky probably went and blabbed to mikhail about it. which is her right, she honestly can say whatever she wants (i wonder what shes said about me to him, its kind of upsetting...) but its just so horrible that when remy and him became friends he sent screenshots of how he viewed remy and thought of her, and even adri was in on it kind of. like, adri was tolerant of that behavior... of course his friends must be horrible because theyre just like him. if someone was doing that to my friend, who they didnt like, id stop being friends with the person and not tolerate that shit. its just horrid. i dont understand how you can take that so lightly... its insane.
i bet hes said horrible things about me too. i mean, he HAS to have said these things about me. and now im even remembering how remy messaged me, saying like... i unblocked adri and not mikhail? or something like that. i cant remember. it was something like that. and i dont remember ever like... ugh, what was even happening. like, i had adri blocked but unblocked him when he became remys mutual? yeah it was that. i dont even remember who told him that, but it still proves how they lurked my accounts no matter what. and thats honestly really offputting and weird. i hate that shit. be grown adults and be fucking normal, not ghosting your mutuals friends. its weird as shit. but anyway, i just know mikhail has said the most abhorrent and vilest shit about me, and i bet adri has too. i know they talk about me, they talk about me to remy... that time when they kept calling me sam. ugh, i fucking hated that. dont have my name in your mouth so CASUALLY like that, you dont fucking know me... or maybe you do, because you stalked my shit and sniffed me out due to sky being my friend at the time. like, why was adri trying so hard to just. even get to know me at one point?? like sending remy messages on fucking discord being like i hope sam isnt upset or whatever the hell he said. ugh its aggrivating how they both fucking act, it makes me sick...
oh my god, i found the screenshot of adri being a fucking weirdo about me... why do you want me to like you? you have a fucking NICKNAME for me, despite not even fucking knowing me? youre so weird. i will never understand you trying to get to know me or be buddy buddy with me despite not knowing me. this was june 21st 2021
like what the fuck. i still am so weirded out by this. it makes no sense... why do you want me, a stranger, to like you?? and he phrases it like hes scared and worried, like im his friend and we just got into a fight that made me be pissed at him or something. i dont get it. hes 19, i was like 15 at the time. why are you nervous about a teen not liking you? we literally didnt know each other, just knew each other cause of remy. and also the nickname thing... youre even making nicknames for me without fucking talking to me? i know adri isnt a bad person, and he meant well, but it pisses me off. everything mikhail or his friends do piss me the fuck off, and i remember remy once saying adri and mikhail are mutuals with fucking terfs n shit. how is that going to make me feel?? knowing that my hypothetical friends are rubbin shoulders with fucking terfs and gender crit scumbags. i dont know. its fucking weird and i hate that weird niche of personality on the internet of young adults being edgy and cruel for no reason. its idiotic. im just making myself mad. i should stop.
10:19pm
december 3rd, 2021. 8:16am
i'm at school right now. on the way here, my mom blew up at me in the car. my hands are shaking from it i think. i'm really upset, i want to cry so bad. i swear to her and the people i dont think im abused, this isnt abuse, its just simply my feelings. this doesnt mean im being abused and it makes me upset and mad people keep telling me "so you think youre abused?" no. who said that i did. ive never once said i have felt abused. i just have emotions. is it bad to have emotions? apparently so. i feel like i can never open up to her lest this happens. she gets mad at me, yells at me (just to be clear, i dont think she was screaming, for whoever may be thinking that. but yes i think she was yelling.) and makes me scared to just tell her how i feel. when i do she usually combats with "no, youre lying, youre a liar, and youre making excuses." what do you mean? you said you wanted to know how i felt, and i told you. a huge negative feedback loop. i wont lie, i reaaaally want to kill myself. i have been for almost a year; OVER a year. its always highs and lows. little things (lows) that make me suicidal and big things (highs) that make me suicidal. everything makes me suicidal. but if i told her that things still wouldnt get better. i just wish things were different. i dont know how to tell her that i dont know how to change my tone, i dont get it when she tells me im doing xyz, i dont understand how to change. im bad at faking to her. im bad at faking in front of a lot of people. i dont know how to tell her that i cant fix the problem when i dont know it. she always tells me i have an attitude, or that i "treat her like shit" but i genuinely cant figure out how. im not TRYING to be an asshole, its just that i literally cannot see it. i cannot see how my tone is rude, or how my actions are rude. and she'll be like "this! this right here is your attitude!" and even then i still cant get it. i just dont understand. and why must she do this right before school? now im going to be suicidal the whole day. the whole rest of the week. im still shaking.
i dont know what to say to her, so im trying to record all my feelings here for tomorrow, when we meet with the therapist. im scared. im nervous and anxious. i dont know what im going to say. ill probably shut down like i usually do and then shes going to put blockers and locks all over my phone and devices when we're done. i dont get it... if she says im almost an adult, and sometimes even saying i am an adult, then why does she also go back to say "you are a teenage child, you need monitoring" well, first of all, i think you just need to fucking trust me instead of a therapist who barely even knows how to do her job and handle children. when did she even say that i need monitoring? i'm 16, you surely can trust me by fucking now. yeah, 13? 14? even 15? yeah, those ages seem reasonable (15 just on the cusp...) but i am not any of those ages. i'm 16, i'm NOT an adult but i'm also not a young stupid kid who needs monitoring all the fucking time. youve trusted me for this long, why not now? what would you even gain? more reason to be mad at me? more reasons that justify you being mean to me? why cant i have my own personal space, my own privacy. this feels like the time you took the hinges off my door to make sure i want cutting. you shouldve just admitted me to the fucking ward instead. i wish i wasnt scared, i wish i could tell you things. i feel like im in hell right now. im sorry for being so unable to open up. im sorry. i dont mean to and i wish i could open up more. its hard. its hard when its with her. she just doesnt know how to handle me. i dont know how to handle her. she thinks everything i do is a personal attack against her. im sorry that im tired, and not always happy, and that i just simply dont want to talk right now. it doesnt mean i "hate you guts" it means i am tired and dont want to talk right now. thats all it means. i dont know why she takes every little thing i do so personal to heart. i bet if i even accidentally took a drink from her cup, she'd think i'd be treating her like "dog shit" and that i dont care at all. i do care. i dont know how to show it. i wish i did know, but i dont.
even yesterday, when they were coming inside, i didnt know what to do at that moment. i wasnt sure what she wanted me to do, so i simply asked. doesnt hurt to ever ask right? so i dont mess up. but, she responded with passive aggression... like, i dont get it. i SERIOUSLY dont get it. i genuinely dont. why did you have to react that way? i was just asking what you wanted me to do, so i wouldnt mess up or be in your way. yet you think differently i suppose. i dont know...
i'm sorry for being such a bastard of a son to you apparently. im sorry for not knowing how to handle things and do things. im sorry im sorry im sorry. thats all i know how to say. im sorry im scared of you and your reactions, im sorry i lie, im sorry for not understanding you, for understanding things, im sorry for being an idiot worthless child. im sorry for everything. i dont know how to fucking act normal. im sorry im a kid. im sorry im not normal. im sorry that i made you feel this way just a day after your birthday. im sorry for never knowing what to do or say. im sorry for not understanding ANYTHING. im sorry i cant see when i have a different tone in voice so much to the point you intrepret it as hostile. im sorry for everything.
dammit, now my nose is all runny. and it's too quiet in this classroom.
8:44am
december 1st, 2021. 7:57pm
it's my moms birthday today. it was really fun but after her opening presents and such, just a bit after noon, ive been feeling awful the whole fucking day. and i hate it.
i came to the realization that mikhail will always be involved in my life. ill never get rid of him. ill always be cursed to just stick with him. hes like a parasite. a cockroach. he will never go away, he will never leave, he'll always be intertwined into my life and i hate it. and not for the reason i would ever think. i hate it because of my own hate. i couldve had a fine relationship with him. things could have been ok and fine. i wouldnt have to seethe over just knowing his presence. i wouldnt have to be upset and mad all of the time. i wouldnt have to feel so inferior, but even then i feel this way with remy.
remys so wonderful. i dont know. hes everything i want to be, literally. i wish i was just like her. down to the marrow of her bone, down to the fibers in her nerves; his axons. down to every single little cell. i want his brain. i want his things, his personality, even his fucking illness. i want everything he has. and its not like im putting her up on a pedestal, but i guess it really seems like that anyway... remy makes me feel stupid. idiotic. he understands things so well. he'll say such graceful things, such wonderfully beautiful things and words that mean nothing to me, but mean a whole universe to him. she'll say words that i dont understand, words that id have to look up and then forget after reading the definition. he lives life so... i dont even know. i hate it. i just hate it. i hate how much i admire him, envy him... it makes me fucking sick!!! why cant i be just, normal, his friend? why cant i just be her friend, who is different. we are not the same, and never will be. my ways of thinking will never in lightyears reach hers. i will never be like her. we are two completely different beings and i hate myself for not being able to just be his friend, to be at peace with knowing i wont be like her and understand the things she says; the way he thinks and talks, the way he just does everything. none of it is his fault, its my sickness... my selfishness always rearing its unfavorable and putrid head. my envy. but, if im feeling all these things, should i not be her friend anymore? if its tearing me up so badly, to the point i want to kill myself if i cant be on her level, then shouldnt i just distance? i still love him. i always will no matter what, even if we ever split ways. i will forever admire her and love her so deeply to the point it rots my core. like eating too many tooth rottening foods; sweet but poisonous, i guess. i will no matter what admire and adore him. it makes me want to cry even. it makes me what to scratch at my scalp, until i tear it, and find the wound so i can peel off the skin from my skull, and then my face, onto my neck, my shoulders, my breasts, arms, abdomen, pelvis, legs, feet, everywhere. until im nothing but a pulsating chunk of meat, muscles looping their way around my body and fat slipping off. my tendons sitting still, not moving, due to the lack of blood flow. my chest shakily moving up and down. and what then? what happens when im stripped bare? i dont know. why did i even go into such detail? i dont know. it feels like i dont know anything anymore. i feel like a stupid child.
thats another thing. yesterday, after film club, i walked around with cate and bella. but it feels as if they didnt want me there. that they were laughing behind my back... well not so cate. more like bella. i feel like i was third wheeling somehow. i feel for cate kind of like i do remy, but on a waaay lesser extent. i love her, but maybe its only so overwhelming because shes a friend i enjoy to be around in real life. i love having physical friends i can simply be in the presence of. i love touch. i love hugging my friends. i get all excited like a puppy. and then it turns into annoyance. i am overwhelming, i am annoying, and i am unfavorable. i am ugly. i hate my hair. i feel like thats the main reason i hate myself and why i dont have friends. it ruins my apperance. like, i think i have a pretty decent face... not extremely ugly, but not convientally attractive either. and im fine with it. its my hair, body, and height that makes me unfavorable. its true, honestly, that looks do matter. if people only liked me for my thoughts and personality, then i feel like id have twice the ammount of friends i have now (or maybe i wouldnt, maybe my personality is the problem. but i dont like thinking about it. i dont want to think about how i am. i really am annoying... maybe it really isnt my appearance. maybe im just so annoying to the point people just hate being around me). where am i evening going with this? i dont know.
im upset with remy. i dont like how he knew all this time how to decipher my tweets, but i also feel shame. he shouldnt have read that. but also she shouldnt have deciphered it. so whos really at fault? well, its me, duh, but thats not the point im trying to make. what point is there? im being confusing for no reason. im saying meaningless things. but isnt that what a journal is for? to write down a stream of unfiltered thoughts? yeah, i think so. but i am at fault. its my fault for not trying to communicate to remy. but... how would you communicate something so ugly. i dont ever want remy to know, but i also do. i dont want to keep her in the dark, but i also dont want to ruin what we have due to my... what even is this? i dont even know what it is... is it obsession? admiration? praise? idolizing? whatever it is, its disgusting, and he would be disgusted to even know this. he wouldnt look at me the same. i dont think i would if someone felt the same way about me like i did remy. there i go again, equating me and remy together as one in the same. maybe he wouldnt think different, maybe she'd... understand. but also i wouldnt know that until i told her. so what point is there. just to make myself feel better? at her expense of knowing such knowlede? pff... of course not. i wouldnt want to do that to him. to anyone. i hate telling people my feelings. i wish i didnt. i wish i could be just... NORMAL and tell people im feeling this or im feeling that. without fear, shame. i dont know! i dont know anything. i dont know why im like this and frankly im too scared shitless to try and possibly find out or even fix it. im scared to tell my therapist this. i shouldnt but i am. i wish i was just normal, i wish i didnt feel inferior to remy. i wish i could accept that i am simply not like him. that i will never be him! im valentine. im samuel. samuel steer! samuel lee steer. valentine lee steer. samuel valentine steer. but i still wish i could understand remy. understand what she means, what she says. i will always feel inferior. is that ok? i guess im not sure.
back to mikhail. i wish i didnt hate. i wish i didnt have so much hate. i wish i could just be... normal and forgive. or just be at peace. it isnt anything to do with remy. remy isnt me!!! he can be friends with whoever he wants to. but i feel like im missing out on so many things. mikhail is friends with so many people and remy is friends with those people. i feel like im excluded. thats not by the fault of remy, being friends with your friends' friends is normal. its how you make friends frankly. i just wish i wasnt so extreme. ive said so many awful things about mikhail... and, i guess i hate to say this, but i take it all back. i wish i never said those things. i mean, i guess past me was just having a fit of emotions (like i normally do about mikhail) but i still feel awful. i mean, i still think things hes done were awful. hes not inherently a good person. but... who is? but i feel bad. i shouldnt have said the things ive ever said. i wish we were on good terms. maybe, even though the age thing is odd, we couldve been somewhat friends. i dont know... i just wish things were different. i feel horrible about it. i wish things were fine. ugh!!!!!!
i guess i do feel better getting this off my chest. maybe i will send this to her. but im still not sure. im scared, im really scared. i dont want our realtionship to change. i dont want remy to think different of me or be weirded out... i guess i made the earlier paragraph very intense. im just envious. but also i feel like if i maybe tell him this, itll go away... i can finally not feel inferior and constantly depressed. thats another thing i should work on i guess. being suicidal everytime something makes me upset isnt ok for me. ive been suicidal almost everyday now. and it keeps getting worse... i dont know how to explain that. i feel like one day im going to cut off everyone i love and then kill myself. i dont know why or when. i just feel it...
8:51pm
